Friday, 28 September 2018

CODE RED




Stay away from this, it is a bit too dirty,
Rip off her dignity, she’s really not worthy..


Pain is her destiny, thus she must endure,
Don’t you dare touch her, she is now impure..


She should stay in, please leave her alone,
She will writhe in distress, and she will moan..


Let’s enjoy and be merry, the diety is here,
But keep her away, from all this fanfare..


Offerings should be made, with sheer perfection,
Her mere touch, will spoil all the preparation..


We worship one, and we shame the other,
Doesn’t matter, daughter, wife, sister or mother..


No entry in the temple, oh that is forbidden territory,
Her body is a temple too, but that is another story..


One temple loses sanctity, if you let her venture,
The other is your property, just feel free to enter..


She gives you a baby, it carries the family name,
But her femininity, that is a matter of such shame..


It is that time of the month, when it is all red,
Yes it’s her vagina, it is her vagina that has bled…










Sunday, 29 October 2017

BLACKOUT.

I open my eyes to the ting tong ting,
The unpleasant alarm going off again,
Sleep leaves me a bit too worn out,
Have to get to work, though it’s such a pain..

Mundane defines my everyday routine,
I struggle with making sense of things,
What should I look forward to anyway?
Nobody knows what the next day brings..

Wherever I go, there are people all around,
But I wonder why I always feel so alone,
I shall always be there for you they have said,
But is anything said ever cast in stone?

As I tread through the monotonous day,
I am grappled by despair and hopelessness,
I fear I am coming on too strong sometimes,
But trust me, I cannot help being in distress..

Will things ever fall in place as they should?
Will I ever comprehend what is happening to me?
I am desperate to make sense of things around,
But please just leave me the way I want to be..

The cacophony of the noises I live amidst,
And the eerie silence that constantly screams,
They hold me like a bird suffocated in a cage,
I am fighting my inner demons it seems..

It’s all about confusions and perplexities now,
Through a dungeon I am struggling my way out,
Like coffees gotten cold and projects incomplete,
Unfinished sentences represent my perpetual doubts..

I wish to scream my heart out to this universe,
But my energy serves me a ruthlessly cold betrayal,
I am looking for answers to my internal conflicts,
But I find myself in a state of thorough denial..

Could I please request for a present this birthday?
A box full of reasons to be happy from within,
‘Coz emotionally drained wouldn’t quite explain,
The broken state I have for very long been in..

Could you just come and hold my hand once?
And disengage me from the mess I look like,
Just hold me close when I am facing a breakdown,
Tell me the calm will follow and the chaos will subside..

Every face I come across on the streets and subways,
Reflects a tale that’s a little real and a bit too raw,
Strangers suddenly appear all too familiar to me,
They can read through the tears my folks never saw..

I come back home to what feels like emptiness,
Customary gestures don’t alleviate my pain,
I try hard, very hard, to get past through the void,
But I fall deeper into the gloomy abyss again..

Tomorrow is a brand new day, a new ray of hope,
Tomorrow the sun might brighten up the skies,
But for now I shall find comfort blacking it all out,
I feel too weak to even quit, slowly I shut my eyes...


Wednesday, 10 May 2017

I love when it RAINS...

I love when it rains... 💧

Sometimes, when it gets a bit too much to handle, even the skies turn grey. The clouds let out a thunder in unison, releasing the seething pressure within. What follows is a raging storm that feels like someone was struggling to deal with a gamut of emotions that turned into an uneasy sensation in their belly. The wind is brazen, unabashed and raw, much like a prisoner fighting bondage with all his might. Don't we all wish to be released, sometime or the other? Released from the clutches of anxiety, helplessness, fear, expectations and the compulsive need to get it right always? Suddenly, the clouds let out a groan and the sky lights up for a second. The lightening is what illuminates the darkness around, even though temporarily. To me, that is much like a "ray" of hope too. It is almost an assurance that darkness will eventually fade away. The eerie silence all around makes more noise than the thunder. Well, isn't it scary when the voices inside your head become a bit too audible? You realize how cluttered your thoughts are. You realize the mess you have turned out to be. It is daunting if nothing else. And for this very reason, I find the storm more comforting than the calm that interrupts it. It is the storm that helps me shut it all out, at least for a little while. It is strange how numbness can actually bring you the peace you have been craving for. It pushes out, all that is pent up inside. And then, it starts to pour. Tiny drops of water make their way down, leaving everything moist and glistening. They make the clouds feel lighter. Tears serve a similar purpose too. When it gets difficult to hold everything in, they trickle down from the corners of the eyes, onto the face, somewhat washing away the discomfort, leaving you with glistening cheeks and a lighter heart. Why doesn't it rain more often? It makes me feel I am not the only one and that it is absolutely okay to groan, scream or cry when you do not know what else to do. It helps me embrace my imperfections, pull myself together and remember to trust the flow. It helps me accept myself for who I am. It makes me feel more alive. It liberates me in a way that can be felt, but not one that can be described in words. It brings me closer to my soul that is definitely scarred but hasn't given up on this world yet.

I love when it rains... 💧

Wednesday, 22 March 2017

Annual Privilege Coupon for WOMEN :)

I step out wearing a dress with my lips painted red,
Doesn’t she look a little slutty, they murmur..


I have coffee with a guy, hang out with my male colleagues,
They do not take a second to question my character..


I shouldn’t be so friendly & comfortable with men unknown,
But marrying a complete stranger is tradition they tell me..


What’s wrong with single women having a sexual partner I ask,
They call my freedom of thought something too immoral..


If I sleep with someone, what I actually lose is my virginity,
But they relentlessly blame me for I lost my honour too..


Men I work with, want me to give everything my best shot,
But they reduce me to just nothing dare I speak my mind..


My salary cheques are testimony to my hard work & potential,
But they laugh at the mere idea of me managing my money..


I want to make my career and marry post the age of 30 I say,
Too much ambition is not good for girls they remind me..


When I put my foot down against the concept of dowry,
They gasp at how huge a burden I am on the entire family..


If I decide to be a mother and working woman at the same time,
They ridicule me for my total disregard for motherhood..


When I say I wish to be a home-maker post marriage & kids,
They openly mock my supposed lack of aim in life..


Whether I work or not, my home should be my first responsibility,
This doesn’t apply to my husband though, is what they say..


I must wear the vermillion as a mark of a wedded woman,
The husband having an affair, is not a big deal I am told..


My vagina has the ability to give birth to a human being,
But when it bleeds each month, I am impure, they declare..


If I am carrying my husband’s child, I should proudly flaunt,
But physical marks of his abuse must be under cover I am warned..


It doesn’t matter if I am thin or fat, doesn’t matter if I am fair or dark,
They never miss out on a single opportunity to body shame me..


Every day I am insulted, mocked, abused, tortured, raped,
But keeping shut is what preserves my dignity they say..


I ask for the liberty to live my life that way I wish to,
But they constantly tell me what to wear and how to live..


When I tell them these shackles suffocate me a bit too much,
You were born to live in bondage, is what they retort with..



I have an yearly coupon that comes with a 24-hr expiry though,
I am showered with love & gifts, my existence celebrated,
They give me the privilege to feel happy & special for a while,
I don’t need it but they give me an annual “Women’s Day.”

Wednesday, 22 February 2017

~SAAWAN~

Saawan ka wo ek din tha, jab tumse nazren chaar huin. Aisa laga jaise aasmaan se ghane kaale badalon ka saaya chat raha ho. Meri ruh ne mujhse kaha ki shayad zindagi ko maksad mil gaya hai. Bahar bahut zor ki garjanaa hui par mere andar ke sukoon ki goonj ko dabaa na paayi. Roshni dheere dheere alvida keh rahi thi, maano mere ghamo ko sath liye ja rahi ho. Wahan bijli kadki aur yahan mere dil me ek aawaaz uthi. Jis rah se ab tak akeli guzar rahi thi, us rah par jaane kahan se ek humsafar mil gaya tha. Hawaa ne apna rukh badla aur apne thande jhonkon se un sookhi pattiyon ko sehlaaya. Wo meethi sarsarahat, hamari khamoshi, aur nazren jo lafzon ki mohtaaj na thi, sabne milkar mausam ko khushnuma bana dia. Saawan ki wo pehli pehli boonden chehre ko chookar mere aanchal me aa giri. Ya fir shayad wo khushi me behte aansoon the, kise pata. Tumhaare ehsaas ne meri zindagi ko aise mehkaya tha jaise geeli mitti mehek rahi thi. Main yun jee uthi jaise baagon me phool khil rahe ho. Man me tarang jagi jaise kisi ne bediyan khol di ho. Shayad bandhishon ki ek kaid thi jisme ghut rahi thi ab tak. Tumne aakar riha kia aur us khuli hawa me udte panchiyon ki tarah maine bhi khulke saans li. Kaaynaat ka koi tohfa the shayad tum. Tumhare aane se dil ki banjar zameen phir ek baar zinda ho gayi. Pyaar ki us baarish se kismat ka wo dhundhla aaina saaf ho gaya.
Par barsaat ke mausam ko badalna hi tha. Nahi jaanti kyun, par tumhe mujhse door jaana hi tha. Chod toh gaye ho mujhe us raste par. Lekin wo waqt bhi door nahi jab sooraj ki kirano ko kaale baadal firse apni chaadar me samet lenge aur zindagi phir apni baahen failaye khadi hogi us mod par. Bas thoda aur intezaar hai. Tumhari raah dekhna meri fitrat ban chuki hai aur mujhe aake thaam lena tumhaari aadat. Main sookhi mitti hun jise bhigaaye bina tumhari boondon ka wajood hi adhoora hai. Milungi main tumse phir ek baar, saawan ke usi ek din, sheher ke us paar...


R

Wednesday, 7 September 2016

What am I?

Penned down a few words today. I am sure most of you will identify with some bits at least. This is inspired by the realization that the day you feel a bit too lost, is the day you embark upon a new journey! :)

~What am I?~
I am nowhere. I am the emptiness that encloses the screeching silence. I am a gap waiting to be filled. I am a void, a vacuum, shadowed by nothingness. My name drowns in the worldly noise that surrounds me. My identity is undergoing constant metamorphosis. It changes at a speed that is beyond my reach. I am the pause that follows a question. I am the blank that precedes an answer. I am like a semi colon, waiting for this universe to complete my unfinished sentence. I am neither here nor there, neither mine nor anybody else’s. I am the curiosity in the eyes of people barging into my personal space. I am the uncertainty that makes my gut cringe. I am the inner fold of a tunnel that doesn’t know where it leads to. I am like the waiting river, yearning to become one with the sea. I am the hollow of a peephole. I am the unending journey of a wanderer, the strangled dreams trying to catch their breath. I am the consequence of my choices, more wrong than right. I am the challenging responsibility of my complex decisions. In this world of pretention, I am the struggle of being real. I am the protest against the society, the black mark of rebellion. I am the raw interior underneath a flashy exterior. I am like the edges of aimlessly flowing hair. I am but a moment, so crucial yet so transient. I am the restlessness that pulls me down. I am the darkness that accompanies the light. I am the hindrance in my own path. I am the test of my actions, the face of my mistakes. I am what crumbles and falls, in the hope of being put together. I am the pieces of an unsolved puzzle, mysterious and daunting. I am fear and despair. I am the calm, but only the one that enrages a storm. I am the quiet and the hush. I am the blur that separates solitude from loneliness. I am the blinking cursor, brimming with words yet to be spilled. I am a new page, untouched, maybe unnecessary. I am the last drop of ink, significant for a second and a waste the next. I am the long queue, with ill defined beginnings and endings. I am the threshold, pressurized from all sides, waiting to break free. I am a conflict, far from resolution. I am an unexplored terrain, adventurous and forbidden. I am the unsure smile and the fading pain. I am the glistening eyes of someone who dared. I am like the flickering bulb, forced to light up but heading towards a blackout. I am but a string of full stops...........
But, I still am. I exist. I survive. And sometimes, this is all that matters. Sometimes, just being is all that is needed. I am my own meaning, my own destiny. I am searching for my soul and in this quest, someday I will find myself.

R

Saturday, 17 October 2015

TETE-A-TETE with BACHCHAN!



Have any of you experienced that feeling of joy that is so immense that you are unable to express or even react appropriately? Something like the maximum amount of happiness that tiny heart inside of you can hold? I don’t think this even comes close to what it was for me. But I am going to try my best to put it all into words. This is the only way I can try and let it sink in! It looks all too surreal at the moment. But it did happen! :D
Okay here I go. I am going to pen down my life’s most memorable day so far. The most precious 35 minutes ever. Yes I met Amitabh Bachchan again!
This was technically my fifth meet with him. I do realise I am very blessed. :)

At my first meet at the Penguin Annual Lecture in 2013, I got to see him for real, got to hear him talk, recite, joke, got to communicate with him in person. But I did not get to shake hands with him or get a photograph clicked. I was already waiting for another chance. It was June 2014. There were a few of us. Got some 5 minutes with him. Short but truly special. I got around a minute or even less. Got 3 hugs, an autograph and a photograph to capture the moment forever. Then in October 2014, he was shooting at a restaurant at Haus Khaz Village. I got a few seconds and a hug. He had to rush.
My fourth meet with him was very different due to the fact that I had coordinated it for all us Delhi EF (His Delhi fans from his blog. He calls us all his Extended Family!) That was my longest meeting with him so far. A total of 20 minutes for around 25 people. Got just about a minute. But again, it was different. He was pulling my leg, cracking jokes with me & he remembered me so clearly. I was bowled over. I could feel some kind of rapport developing. Can you imagine how elated I was? :))

So now we come to my 5th meet. This can’t be compared to any of the others. This time, I was in Bombay, at his office, with just my family with me. Fatima from South Africa, a fellow EF and one of the most amazing people I know, got it fixed for me. There were a few hiccups initially. It looked dicey. I wasn’t sure if it will work out. But eventually it did. His secretary gave me a final nod while I was going through security check at the airport! :) She was so considerate about a time that would suit us as well. Why is everyone around AB so nice?

Okay so we landed up at his office at around 12.35 pm, on October 2nd, 2015. The meet was planned for 1 pm. But given how punctual he is, we had to reach before time. :)
His office is grand. The guard at the gate had already been told “Rubina” is coming with her family. He let us in with a smile. Amit ji’s security guard, another sweet fellow was right there. I have known him for a while now. He was happy seeing us all there. He knew I had been waiting for a proper meet with sir and finally it was happening. We were directed to a room on the 2nd floor. Let me tell you the interiors are jaw droppingly stunning. So aesthetic, classy, elegant. Just like the man himself!
Someone from his staff was already waiting for us upstairs. Such moments just leave you speechless. He asked us if we would have some tea/coffee. I know the tea at his place is too good, but amid those jitters, all of us decided to have nothing! ;) We clicked quite a few pictures, with his numerous pictures & portraits in the room. It was the first time my parents & sister were to actually “meet” sir. But I was apparently way more nervous, what with the trembling & shaking all the while! Lol!

After the photo session, we took our seats at the round table. I had not even settled when he just threw open the door and entered with a “Namaskaar”. It was 12.51 pm. He was coming straight from the gym. He always has this habit of entering with a bang. It leaves us no time to think of how to greet him hahahaha! Mom & dad replied with a star struck “namaskaar”. My sister Sarina, standing behind me, got starry eyed, a bit lost but promptly shook hands with him. :)
And then he looked at me. I looked back, shivering like a leaf there! ;) This is what happens with me every single time. I freeze! This time around, it was he who brought me back to the senses. He reached out gesturing for a hug. And I went off with my favourite dialogue “Aapko main yaad hun sir?” He laughed “Of course yaad ho Rubina. Come here”. And then, he gave me a slight tap on the shoulder (which meant-you naughty girl) and I got the warmest hug ever! After this, I was dazed & not in my senses anymore. But i was there! ;)
For a few seconds no one spoke. I had to break the silence so I told him he was wearing orange which was my favourite color. He asked “Bachpan se orange favourite hai”? I said “Hanji sir. Bachpan se I have two favourites, orange & Amitabh Bachchan!” :D His smile was so sweet!
My mom then told him how I wanted to sit in his lap when I was around 2. He laughed so hard, banging on the table. Haha! Embarrassing for me but yeah I was a very cute child so I can’t help it :P
He asked Sarina about her studies. We discussed about her college, my college & his college too. He talked about Delhi University the way he remembers it. It was all so candid. I was smiling so hard my cheeks almost hurt.
I told him I am from Hansraj but wanted to be in KMC (since it’s his college). He said Hansraj is better. I said KMC is the best! And he was like *hmmphh what a silly girl* hahahaha.. So you can see I was so nervous that I kept blabbering. This was the very first time I was actually getting to speak to him & I had to make the most of it!
I asked him if he had some shoot this morning. He told us he was to leave for the shoot after meeting us. Dad asked him about gym and he said “Gym toh karna padhta hai. Nahi toh sharer kharab ho jaayega”. It was something very casual, both what he said and the way he said it. You don’t expect such responses from “celebrities” but he is just one of a kind. He chatted with us as if we were friends meeting up after a long time! I loved it!
My mom had been keeping unwell the last few months. I had shared it with him quite a few times. And he was so considerate to remember and ask her if she was fine now. Again, this is unexpected unless it’s Amitabh Bachchan who has an elephant’s memory & is the most caring man I know!
Dad went on to ask him about his upcoming show Aaj Ki Raat Hai Zindagi. He explained the concept in such detail, and with a lot of interest. (Okay he is just the BEST!) He told us it is about recognizing & rewarding real life heroes, through an innovative show! So looking forward to this one!

Then came what remains my favourite bit of the entire time spent with him. That very morning, we had read an article about how “Amitabh Bachchan turned musician & composed the title track of the AKRHZ song.” I told him he has done a splendid job. What followed was:
AB- Arey ye sab technology ka kamala hai. Mujhe kahan aata hai music.
Me- Nahi sir, you sing amazingly well.
AB- Arey you don’t know Rubina, we have all those huge machines, such advanced technology. Kisi ko bhi sur me gava sakte hain. Mujhe samajh nahi hai sangeet ki.
Me- Sir fir toh duniya me sab log gaana gaa lete!
AB- Arey main keh raha hun na it’s all technology. Main “besura” hun bilkul!
Me- Say what?!?!? Okay sir I will repeat what I often tell you on twitter: “You have no idea how amazing you are!”
AB- ummm... *thinks of any argument left* Aap biscuit lengi? :P hahahahahahaha! He is the most adorable man ever!

I then shared with him how uncertain the meet was, for a long time. But finally, thanks to Fatima it all worked out! He said: Wo toh daant deti hai mujhe. Miloge ya nahi? Main mana nahi kar sakta! ;) AB adores her!
The discussion shifted to his films then. All four of us told him about our favourite Bachchan films, special memories associated with some, little anecdotes, how loving him runs in our genes, and what a dream come true this was, to be able to talk to him about it!
I then said to him what I had been personally meaning to, for long. I told him Amit Malhotra from Silsila was my first ever crush! Yes I said that to him in person! He already had an idea and blushed a little. Haha! Just the cutest ever!
I told him how my relatives & friends used to laugh at me every time I said I am going to meet AB someday. Once I showed them the blog & twitter, they realized it was actually him connecting on all platforms. His “guffaw” was enough to make me grin!
Sarina told him how she got a fracture after spraining her foot at the Penguin Lecture, while she was climbing down the auditorium stairs in excitement. He asked her if everything is fine now :)
I told him how I wished to be born in the 60s/70s watching Deewar, Sholay, Laawaris & all other masterpieces of his, on the big screen. Yeah well it was kinda funny and his expression said “haha pagal ladki” :P

It was time to give him the little gift we had got. My dad had conserved an old Bhopal newspaper from the year 2007, that had a special interview of Amit ji, published on Babuji’s 100th birth anniversary. We had to keep the original with us, of course! :D We got an exact photo copy done & framed and presented it to him. He loved it and even read the article for a few minutes. I have never seen a person of his stature, as busy as him, pay so much attention to others. That small gesture was enough to let us know he appreciates our efforts. That is AB for you. He will reciprocate in a manner you cannot ever think of, and sweep you off your feet! J I had got “chikki” for him as it is the only sweet thing that he eats. He took it immediately and said he will definitely have it! :)

And now he asked us to click some pictures. Himself! *bowled over again*
I captured memorable moments of my family, and went last myself. Told him how I used to dream of getting a picture with him with that particular wall of his office in the background! The flash of my mobile camera was throwing tantrums that day lol! It flashed sometimes & did not the other times. AB found it so funny. He said “Kya phone hai ye bhai?” haha!
My parents were quite sober when being clicked. And then he called me, “Rubina, come come!” :D
I was acting almost mental. You can’t blame me though. He asked me which side of his I wanted to stand on. I actually did the right left right thing & finally decided it was the left I wanted to be on! Yes I had lost it. And I was anything but sober. I gave him the biggest possible hug! :D
And then I gathered courage to ask him for a selfie. It’s been on my bucket list for 2 years now! He readily agreed. I told him he is tall so he needs to click it. He took my phone, figured out what button to press (he is smart & very tech savvy)! Then he pressed it a few times in a second, hoping to get many pictures, just the way it happens in an iphone. Sadly, mine is an HTC. It has a slow shutter speed so no matter how many times you press it, you get just one picture which takes a little second to drop into the folder. He did not know this and was like “sach me kya phone hai ye”.
And then, when I shifted a little away assuming the selfie is done, he almost scolded me “Arey don’t move when I am clicking! Just stay! Don’t move okay?” This took me by surprise. I could see our equation changing over the years. He wasn’t formal with me this time. And I cannot even begin to tell just how that feels! I genuinely felt he is fond of me. I could be imagining haha.. But my family told me they noticed the very same thing. I loved the way he scolded me playfully, loved how he wanted my photo with him to come out just right, loved the way he talked, poore haq se. I was exhilarated, beaming from ear to ear!
We finally had a groupfie which is the cutest picture of the lot! His expression is so endearing anyone could fall in love with him!

He gave us all, autographs, signed some precious AB stuff for me. I told him I get really excited when I realize he remembers my name. He repeated what he had said during our last meet “Bhoolunga kaise? Itna pareshan jo karti ho mujhe” and then winked! Hehe.. He knows I am going to do that all the time! :D
Before leaving, he thanked us for coming, which just blew my mind! I mean it was a privilege, an honour for us. And here he was, thanking us for coming. He usually leaves me speechless. This time I was both speechless & in awe, through the entire duration of the meet!
He asked us about our return flights and invited us to come at the gates for Sunday meet (We call it the Sunday darshan) I felt horrible for saying no since it wasn’t possible to delay my flight! :( But I promised to be there on a Sunday! :)
He bid us adieu (I didn’t want him to leave obviously, but he had to), wished mom & dad, shook hands with Sarina and then looked at me with a “No bye bye hug?” expression haha! I thankfully reacted this time & gave him the best possible hug! :) And he left.

He left the room, and he left us all spellbound. I was sure I cannot love him anymore than I already do. But he proved me wrong yet again. My admiration, respect & fondness for him just rises by leaps and bounds everytime. He gave me the most PRICELESS day of my entire life. And I have pictures & this written account, to help me preserve this for posterity!
This meet was extra precious, since this time around, it was not just my dream that was fulfilled, but my family’s too!


I wish everyone gets to meet him once, just for the sheer experience of pure magic! It is a different world altogether. He is unbelievable when it comes to connecting with fans & admirers, making every effort & going that extra mile to make us feel so special. No matter how much I write about him, his greatness & awesomeness is indescribable. No matter how much I thank him, it will never be enough. What he has given me, given us, is something we possibly cannot repay. He is phenomenal, not just as an actor, but as a person too! And I love him to the moon & back!